A Soccer Tournament, A Concert, & My Husband Is Still An Asshole

First, the soccer tournament...

It was held in a lovely little town called Woodbine, MD. A long, beautiful, QUIET drive for me, two days in a row, on both Saturday and Sunday. No kids screaming at me. Just me. And my car. And the road. Ahhhh, silence. You really don't know how wonderful it is until you've gone without for a while.
Aside from thoroughly enjoying the drive, I also enjoyed the hell out of the company of my teammates. They are all intelligent, athletic, witty and just fun to be around. Having the company of such stellar human beings while putting my body through the physical torture of playing 5 soccer games in two days was a happy thing. Oh, and we won the tournament! Weee arrre the chaaampions!

Now, onto the concert...

Plan A was to go to my friend, Brent's house prior to the concert for pre-concert bbq and beer. I wanted to leave our house (Brent lives about 45mins away) at 3pm. Asshole had taken the kids to the pool while I played in my tournament. What an awesome fatherly thing to do, right? Except he DIDN'T BRING THEM HOME UNTIL 4pm. BS's nap time = between 2-3pm. Not to mention the previously mentioned fact that I WANTED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AT 3pm.
Ready to leave the house at 2:45pm, there I sat. Waiting for asshole to get home. I sat. And I sat. No, no Pat! Don't sit on that! (Sorry, Dr. Seuss moment.)
Asshole leisurely strolled into the driveway at just after 4pm. I wanted to kill him. But I kept my cool. (Thanks to the wine I was drinking... Hey, I was pre-gaming for the concert!*cough*)
After much arguing and enduring tons of other asshole moves from my husband, we enjoyed the concert. Boy did *I* enjoy the concert. Rush is fucking amazing. They played Ghost of a Chance,
which is one of my favorite songs, and I had never heard it live before.
We didn't get home from the concert until well past midnight. I could go on and on here about stupid shit my MIL did while we were gone (from 4pm - 12:30am) but I won't. (Remember, I wanted to fight for the babysitter, but Gorton and Asshole said it wouldn't be an issue? Let's just say that Gorton has offered to personally pay for a babysitter in the future if the alternative is having to endure my MIL's behavior.)

My Husband Is Still An Asshole...

I touched on this enough above. And I'm tired of bitching about him. I'm just fucking TIRED.

And, to end on a happy note...

I hope you ladies had a wonderful time during BlogHerNot and BitchHer 2008 over the weekend (linking to Melanie's site for BitchHer, though there were many participants. Besides, I hear she made the beans and I've never linked to her before). I thoroughly enjoyed reading the posts and looking at the pictures. Y'all are beautiful and intelligent ladies and I am honored to be in the presence of such greatness.

Now I think I need a drink. AND a valium.

Quickie Post, No Fuck You Friday

here are some pics for you from last weekend... you know, when my husband was an asshole (riiight, like that's any different from normal...) anyhoo.

ALSO, i want to give some mad props to Steph, SanDiegoMomma, and Mommypie - 3 of my favorite lady-bloggers - regarding BlogHerNot 2008. It's a pretty fucking cool thing, so enjoy it!

FINALLY, if you feel so inclined, go ahead and check me out on List of the Day. Cary decided to do a series on the Hotties of List of the Day. He kicks some serious fucking ass, and i love him.

MoFM yelling at BB and BS about something incredibly important, i'm sure

BS at our club pool... doing something she shouldn't be doing, most likely

here's my mom visiting my brother's dog, AJ

Happy weekend! I won't be online much... soccer tournament and Rush. I love Rush.

Hodge-podge, Brick-a-brack, Random (Reaching For Shit To Post About)

Here's some shit that's been pissing me off lately.

My husband. With all of his actions surrounding this past weekend. And the one prior. Every weekend, actually. (Except for this weekend coming up! Because I have a soccer tournament and I will be gone all day both Saturday and Sunday and he's going to have to deal. Asshole.)
When I tried to get a real babysitter for this Saturday night (RUSHFUCKINGCONCERT! YEAH BABY!) and getting shot down. I mean, c'mon. We're leaving the house at 3pm and won't be home until fucking midnight. You think your mother and Gorton can handle the children for EIGHT HOURS? You're insane. And you are an asshole.
When you say shit just to get a rise out of me. As if you need to TRY and piss me off. You do pretty well without trying. Asshole.

The fact that THREE of my very dear friends have THE SAME BIRTHDAY of July 19th. WTF?

Sounds. My co-worker enjoys drinking from her big, plastic bottle of water. You know, the kind with the thing that you have to pop up/down in order to suck the water out. Every time she goes for a drink, it makes this SLUURRP! noise and I want to hit her in her mouth. (This is my co-worker who only eats ground beef. Won't eat steak, chicken, cold cuts, tuna, nothing else. Just beef. Guess she's trying to lose weight by drinking more water. Riiiight. I'm sure the water will help.)

Ticks. I hate ticks. I went to give The Poodle a hug and a kiss last night when I got home. When he jumped on my leg, a tick jumped off of him and onto my pant leg. Fucking ticks.

Perverts at work. A guy, whom I've met twice in-person, instant messaged me yesterday (we have the corporate IM thingy) asking me how things are going. Not a problem. Until he started going on and on about how he's getting a divorce from his wife, and asking me how things are going in my marriage, (ha!) and telling me how tough it is and to be careful, etc. He also went on and on about how he wants AFFECTION and to LOVE and BE LOVED. Ugh. Since I avoid confrontation like I avoid >insert clever analogy here<, I just said, "Thanks!" and didn't tell him at all how inappropriate it is to talk about shit like this with co-workers - especially on the corporate IM service! Asshole.

Bloggers with a purpose/for a cause. (Expecting to get some heat here.)

My Brother's Take On: Jews, My Marriage, Gay Marriage & Blogging (via IM)

I had my entire weekend recapped and typed up... then I started IM'ing with my brother, and, well... let's just say the conversation between my brother and I is a hell of a lot funnier than the stupid fucking play-by-play I typed up earlier in the day. Enjoy! (And sorry about the length of this post...)

on JEWS (well, my husband, lest i offend)...
MoFM: hubby reached an all new low this weekend...
Bro: heh oh dear what happened
MoFM: if i told you, you would be speechless
Bro: heh by all means tell me then
MoFM: yet, it's typical as opposed to not normal if that makes sense
MoFM: he's gone more often than he's around... anyway, it started on saturday when i took the kids to the pool to play with our friends and their two kids... he had to work, so he wasn't there
MoFM: everybody's all WTF WHERE'S YOUR HUSBAND
MoFM: he had to work
MoFM: he pulled the same shit last weekend
MoFM: wasn't at the pool
Bro: heh they were suprised at this?
MoFM: then he was off again saturday night, fixing the refrigerator at the local bagel place
MoFM: where we get free food and bagels from all the time, and for which he owns a key
Bro: ... that's like the jewiest jew thing that ever jewed.
MoFM: i gave the kids their baths and put them to bed, no idea what time he got home
MoFM: then, sunday... went to the pool just the 4 of us
MoFM: LMFAO @ jewiest jew...
MoFM: he dropped me and the kids off at the entrance
Bro: so you, husband, BS and BB?
MoFM: went and hit range balls on the golf course FOR AN HOUR
Bro: heh oh god
Bro: !
MoFM: leaving me to put suncreen on the kids and wrangle them around the pool
MoFM: fucker shows up and then lazily plays in the pool by himself
MoFM: while i'm trying to feed a toddler goldfish and stop a preschooler from drowning
MoFM: i forgot to mention - on the way to the pool, we had to stop at yard sales
MoFM: *blank stare*
Bro: lol
Bro: well, he's never going to change
MoFM: then we have some family fun (for a minute) and BS decides it's time to nap (~2:30pm)
MoFM: so he says that we need to stop at an open house that his mom is hosting
Bro: ultimately it becomes a game of deciding where your lines are that cannot be crossed
MoFM: the kids are asleep in the car, we leave them, car and a/c running and run in/out of the house
MoFM: get home, put BS to bed... i run to the grocery store while husband showers and peruses the classified ads
Bro: YOUR MIL IS STILL SELLING REAL ESTATE?!
Bro: holy shitballs
MoFM: get home from the store to find hubby running around the house in a tizzy claiming that he may have stumbled upon a goldmine...
MoFM: thinking he's going to take advantage of a woman who recently lost her husband to pancreatic cancer ... and has a garage full of 2 corvettes, a 1963 and a 1972
Bro: oh god another shipping container full of garbage he can re-sell to garbage collectors?
MoFM: wants to sell them for cheap... he discovers they're worth way more
Bro: good god
MoFM: so he makes a phone call to his friend, john
MoFM: john will front husband the $$$
MoFM: so he goes to john's to pick up the cash and heads out to fucking davidsonville, md
MoFM: a long way away from rockville, believe me
Bro: the most surprising piece is that hubby didn't have the $$$ in another mysterious acct
MoFM: heads out around 6pm - dinner time
MoFM: oh he does, we have a credit line on the house for 'emergencies such as this'
Bro: heh
Bro: "emergencies"
Bro: fantastic.
MoFM: calls me around 8:30pm - after i've fed and bathed the children - and says that the woman's kids showed up and said NFW you're selling dad's corvettes for so cheap
MoFM: all for nothing
MoFM: dick fucking head
MoFM: comes home around 10:30pm or so
MoFM: and then gets on his computer doing god knows what
Bro: GOOD.
Bro: i mean i'd like you to have money
Bro: but you wouldn't have had the money
Bro: you know?
MoFM: i actually planning on blogging about this same thing later on today
MoFM: ugh, with the typos - you know what i mean
MoFM: the worst thing? the fact that he was going to take advantage of this woman... i would never even think... but if it means a buck to him, he'll do whatever he can
Bro: lol
Bro: i understand, yes

On MY MARRIAGE...
Bro: so i've gotta ask
Bro: if you've ever calmly sat your husband down and said that it's more important that he's spending time with the kids (and you, i suppose, if you want it that way) than hunting for ways to cheat people out of money
Bro: or find a way to make another $1.60 off ten thousand fucking dolls
Bro: or whatever else it is that consumes him.
Bro: he's obviously passionate about this shit; it moves him, it compels him in some way that i don't think we can understand.
MoFM: um, not exactly re: the sitting him down thing
MoFM: and, when i said in the beginning... while it's typical behavior, he has really good weekends where he spends a shitload of time with BB
MoFM: or, when i'm playing soccer, he takes the kids for the 3 hours i'm gone
Bro: is it enough time?
MoFM: ugh
MoFM: what does that mean... i mean, it's like you said - i will never understand...
Bro: yeah, i know. i guess is it enough time means is it enough time for you
MoFM: well, it's a struggle... i mean, i get some time away from the kids playing soccer. and he's usually pretty nice about those times. unless the oppty to make a buck comes up... and he takes the kids to their respective places every morning
MoFM: soo... i choose my battles
Bro: yeah that's understandable.
MoFM: this marriage shit is so hard - without kids! when you add those little fuckers into the mix, it can turn into a battlefield real quick
Bro: yeah. it's difficult enough being around one person almost all the time, heh

on GAY MARRIAGE...
Bro: all of my faggot friends are getting gay married out here
Bro: and it's excrutiating
Bro: OH MY GAWD WE GOT RIIIIINGS
Bro: shut the fuck up!
MoFM: LOL
Bro: get your cake and get it over with princess
Bro: jesus.
Bro: if i have to click through one more set of pictures of fat gay guys getting married and looking all aglow in their matching fucking tuxes i'm going to drown in my own puke
MoFM: lol
Bro: for the nerdy gays it's always "oh oh oh we picked out rings! we got the inscription from lord of the rings on the inside!!!!!!1111!!"
MoFM: oh dearz
Bro: for the activist gays it's always "WE GOT MARRIED AT CITY HALL AND EVERYONE WAS WATCHING WE WERE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION"
MoFM: LOL
Bro: a few fairly calm gay couples have quietly done their thing
MoFM: i don't like the attention-seekers, but whatev - to each his/her own
Bro: it's just going to get voted down this november as the jeebus mcnuggets get all frothy and trot out their crazy mountain people to vote against sinners


on BLOGGING
(this is where I convince him to let me post this on my blog...)
Bro: lol blogging is not about writing well i think
Bro: it's a weird kind of performance art
MoFM: i agree
Bro: like, you have to tell a brief story that people can relate to
Bro: so they go OMG THATS ME
MoFM: exactly
MoFM: i've learned that
Bro: and then in the weird headspace of the intarwebz, it's suddenly this big deal to them that they have connected to this total stranger
MoFM: like, i had a few 'new' people comment on my most recent post
MoFM: very similar to BBSs when we were kids!
Bro: basically. i think that's why we can blog so easily. we're used to speaking in a manner that gathers public interest.
MoFM: i spose, although i was awful young
MoFM: and it was more of a pick-up scene
MoFM: lol
Bro: so was i
Bro: but it's the same basic model
MoFM: yeah...

Fuck You, Media (And Those Of Us Who Are Dumb Enough To Take Everything You Say As Gospel)!

And I'm not only pissed off about this because of the report I saw on a recent edition of World News Tonight about farmers losing their asses because of the media (and the FDA, I spose) saying that tomatoes - or maybe peppers or something - are the cause of the recent salmonella outbreak. Are we that fucking stupid to not buy that shit because of some shit that some talking head tells us on TV? YES. WE ARE!

My co-worker and I had lunch at Ruby Tuesday today. One of the assholes in a group in front of us watched his friend grab some tomatoes off the salad bar and said, "Tomatoes?!" The tomato-eater responded by saying, "Yeah, I'm a rebel!" Anyone who knows me knows the look I had on my face. It's a look that can be FELT from across the room - nay, down the block. The look says, "You disgust me and you are an idiot." I was *this* close to actually saying something to him. Especially since the tomatoes that said "rebel" was eating were GRAPE TOMATOES, not the evil beefsteak (or whatever) that the media is telling us to avoid. Or was it peppers? Jalapenos, maybe?

FUCK THE MEDIA!

How People Inadvertently Stumble Onto My Site

I've been saving this one for quite a while. I have tons of other shit to say (as usual) but lack the confidence in its entertainment value, and am therefore reluctant to post any of it.

So, here's a good, quick read that is guaranteed to at least make you giggle.

Here are some of my favorite google search terms that people entered in order to get to my site, along with my commentary, of course. They are in four categories; Mommy/Drinking Stuff, Husband/Family Stuff, Just Plain Dirty, and Random. Some are incredibly disturbing, many are stupid, and a few verge on hysterical.

Mommy/Drinking Stuff---
drunk stream - must be from one of my many drunken, "stream of consciousness", rambling posts
tired mommy wine - indeed
drunk mommy blog - I bet this isn't the first (or last) time this person got to my site this way
fats momies - most likely an english as a third or fourth language here
fat mommies - brings them right here every time

Husband/Family Stuff---
my husband caught me smoking - mine too!
my husband is a passive aggressive asshole - amen, sista!
i hate my in laws - me too!
how to get rid of too many toys - evidently, parents want to throw away toys in france too
nature gods big mom ashole - take another english course, please. thx.
random confessions - i think we all get this from every country around the world!

Just Plain Dirty---
aunts screwing nephews - a Springer intern doing some research on guests for a show
cow fucker - i prefer eating cow
fucks stick shift - DUDE.

Random---
silicone injections in laugh lines - got to be the priscilla presley post (which i can't find right now for linking purposes!)

Most Disturbing EVER---
why do kid fuck stuffed bears
children fucking their mothers


(serves me right for cursing so much, right?! i don't give a fuck...)

It's Not That I Got Nothin', It's That I Got Too Much

...as far as thoughts and shit to write about...

Or, we could be talking about too much alcohol, too much food, and too much WEEKEND.
Jeezus, this was a long one!

It started on Thursday night with a carnival/bbq/scary fireworks thing with the kids, my parents and my in-laws. I drank too much. (Sensing a theme for the weekend already?) I barely remember the drive home, but, according to my husband, I was making mean comments about my MIL (who was in the back seat of the car) the entire drive home. He was afraid she actually heard me. Truth serum, indeed.

Friday was spent at the pool. Asshole husband had to work, (he's still catching up from being at the beach for a week. Whatev.) so I threw the kids in the car and got to the pool at 10:30am and waited for my friends to show up with their kids (4yr old and almost 3yr old boys.) Assholes didn't show up until Eleven Fucking Forty Five. "I called! Did you get my voicemail?!" "Um, no. I was too busy wrangling two little fucking brats who don't know how to swim, yet insist on running around the perimeter of the pool. But thanks for calling!"BS is deathly afraid of fireworks - even the shitty Made In China kind that my husband purchased for our own viewing pleasure - so we didn't go anywhere to watch them that night. We watched the fireworks on the Mall in HD on our giant TV.

Saturday was uneventful during the day. I did a shit-ton of laundry.Then there was my soccer team party in the evening starting at 5pm. I brought my dad since he watches me play all the time. All of my teammates know him. After all, he is the Gorton Fisherman. Anyhoo. Before we had kids, I used to make my husband throw parties for my soccer teams all the time. Before we had kids, we used to party our asses off. Before we had kids, my husband DJ'd at weddings and nightclubs and we would drink for free. Okay, I'm stopping now. Since having children, we don't party, and I don't get out much. All that being said, I didn't get WAY drunk in front of my teammates, but I'm sure I managed to piss some of them off, and those I don't like know now that I don't like them.

above is a picture of my friend, ty and i making asses out of ourselves at the team party on saturday night. well, ME making an ass out of MYSELF. we were trying to look "sexy." i know, WTF?! ty also hosted the party. i love her.

Sunday, we had a family bbq and invited our dear friends and their 7yr old daughter. BB follows her around like a little puppy, and she is very sweet. And she loves dogs, (they have 2 big dogs) so she was enthralled with the two little boston terriers running around the house. "The nice one", (Mr. Pimms, my mom's dog) and "The mean one", (My poodle, because he doesn't care for children.) We played Guitar Hero II & III, the kids played pinball (laughably) and I got drunk. Again.

And there you have it - a typical holiday weekend for MoFM.